Nintendo Consoles

Nintendo Consoles

Sunday, December 22, 2013

This Bitch Contains Spoilers

I've been playing a whole bunch of Metroid Prime recently. I feel like I am somewhat near the end of the game, but I have hit what seems to be a little bit of a wall- and by "wall", I mean "huge fucking monster with fucking all this shit that he keeps using to fucking kill me over and over." I am currently up to the Omega Pirate fight in Metroid Prime, and it really is such a damn good boss fight. It got me thinking about other memorable bosses I've had to slay in the past 19 years, and I just felt like writing about some of my favorite, or least favorite ones.

Omega Pirate - Metroid Prime
Jesus Christ this boss had been wrecking my shit. Basically what happens is Samus enters a chamber with a giant fucking monster sealed inside. The monster appears to be locked inside a pod, but evidently, the real breakthrough in locking technology didn't come until well after these science experiments were stored away. So, of course, the monster sees Samus and breaks out of her prison with the purpose of becoming Samus' best friend and falling in love with her and making sure no harm ever befalls her for the rest of her days. So Ms. Omega Pirate starts fucking attacking you. She has 4 weak spots encased in ice and they all must be struck in order to weaken her. So you shoot some missiles at her icy limbs while dodging the shock waves emitted from her giant ground-pounding fists of doom BUT these attacks must be timed properly or else they will be absorbed by Omega Pirate. Once her limbs are annihilated, she will send in some of her subordinate bitches to distract you from attacking her while she becomes invisible and attempts to regain her health. If you are able to destroy her minions quickly, you will have enough time to strap on your X-ray visor to see the invisible asshole and shoot her in the chest. You gotta do this like, 4 times to beat her, and it's HARD. FUCK.

Deathborn - F-Zero GX

This was literally a race from hell. Captain Falcon basically gets transported to hell in order to race a guy named Deathborn. If Deathborn wins, he will be able to seize the power of light and darkness for himself and destroy the universe. Because that's how it works. So this track is long, there are so many sharp turns, there are bombs all over the track AND even if you manage to survive all of the crazy shit happening on the track, you still have to navigate that shit faster than Deathborn does. I could barely beat this guy on Easy mode; I can't imagine what it is like on Hard. This is one great game, but sometimes it is so unbelievably difficult, and this boss fight doesn't make it any easier.

Andross - Starfox Adventures
So basically after spending an ENTIRE game on foot, out of your arwing, and with a dinosaur at your side, you fight the final boss of this game, Andross, the SAME EXACT way you fight bosses in Starfox 64. Andross claims to be the one responsible for all of the misfortune that has befallen Dinosaur Planet, but he is NEVER mentioned before this fight, not even a little tiny bit. As soon as he appeared on my TV screen, I just screamed "What the hell!". Andross had NOTHING to do with Starfox Adventures, yet at the end of the game, there he is, waiting yet again to be slayed by Starfox and Falco. OH YEAH. Also Falco makes his first appearance in this game during the last boss fight. Apparently before the events of the game unfolded, he bailed to start his own star-team, but I guess it didn't work out(?)  This boss was in such contrast to the rest of the game that it is literally laughable. It's still fun in my opinion, but it is so sloppily done.

Giga Bowser - Super Smash Bros. Melee

Mwahahahahaha Giga Bowser! Event Match 51, everybody. I remember beating this colossal-sized King Koopa in elementary school. I remember my friend telling me that I had to use Jigglypuff's Rest attack in order to win. It wasn't until many years later did I go on to beat Giga Bowser and friends with Marth, Link, and Luigi, in addition to Jigglypuff, but before those days were simpler times and simpler melees. Now, I play this boss over and over just for fun but I used to really struggle with it. This boss isn't really too hard if you're good at Smash Bros., but it sure is fun.

Ganondorf  - Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess
THIS boss. This may be my favorite boss fight in any video game I've played. Finally, after all these 20 years of Zelda do we get a real 1 on 1 sword fight with Ganondorf himself. I wish playing against this boss for fun was more viable. Tedious smaller boss fights between this final fight and the last time you are able to save the game puts about 20 minutes of playing other shit before I get to fight Ganondorf, but if that wasn't the case, I would play this fight everyday, and I am probably not kidding. You get a small arena in the middle of Hyrule field where you and Ganondorf each draw your swords and take turns swinging away and blocking all of the swift strikes dealt. No gimmicks, no waiting for him to expose his weak spot or become dizzy from doing his spinning-attacking or anything, just a straight-up duel. Of course, there is always the option to distract him by casting your fishing rod! The first item of the game comes back with an easter egg so lethal that you can almost save the world with it alone! But if that is not your style, you just lure him in and attempt to knock him about the arena with your master sword, ending the fight by...! Well you'll just have to play the game to find out.

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