Super Smash Bros. for 3DS

I've been writing on this blog for over a year now and I'm sure that all 6 people who actually read it have been beginning to wonder when I was going to get around to reviewing a game about which people actually care. Well, today is that day, because this is my review of Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DS.

I have to admit, I am a veteran in the world of Super Smash Bros. I understand the game, and I understand that those who don't play competitively see the game differently than those who do. I am on the edge of both worlds, so I will try to see this game with no preference to either perspective. Instead, I will take you through a journey of what my Smash Bros. 3DS experience has been like for the last week.

Super Smash Bros. for 3DS is the first entry in the legendary Smash Bros. series to appear on a handheld, and if you ask me, it's a pretty fucking good idea partially because no one owns a Wii U right now, but mostly because Nintendo has spent the last year upgrading the 3DS via all sorts of hardware and software improvements from system updates to the release of new limited edition consoles BUT has completely forgotten to release any fucking games for the damn thing. I was looking forward to Smash Bros. on a handheld because of the convenience of being able to play anywhere I go. My parents still live in the same hometown I graduated High School in, but now I am in college and most of my friends live in different states than I do, so being able to not only bring the game back and forth from home to school but being able to bring the multiplayer experience anywhere I go was something I originally found to be extremely appealing, but not so much anymore because the online is complete and utter shit. Many, nay, all people who owned Super Smash Bros. Brawl agreed on two things: Final smashes were horse shit, and the online was embarrassing and irresponsible. 6 years later, we are still faced with the later issue. Out of my 20 attempts made JUST NOW to play a 1 on 1 online match against a random opponent also using the online features, want to guess how many of them were successful? 0. 0 times. I was kicked to the start screen before the match had even begun, with the furthest I ever got being gaining access to a training area which I can only guess comes right before a match- I wouldn't know, because I never got to play one.

My next thought was then "okay whatever". I'll just play some single player. The main excitement that comes with any new entry in the Smash Bros. series is the thrill of both unlocking and using new characters or old characters with new abilities, and in this department, Smash Bros. 3DS really excels. Out of the 49 characters, not even the 2 or 3 sets of clones feel exactly identical, with the exception of Pit and Dark Pit, which I let slide because I loved Kid Icarus: Uprising. However, with the multiplayer options being limited to local multiplayer, an issue I plan on discussing in just a hot second, the player is forced to experience the thrill of new characters by playing single player modes in the game. Classic mode is the main single player mode mostly because it is the only single player mode that can be used to unlock characters. Once you play classic mode with the appropriate characters, you'll unlock every hidden character, of which there are only like, 10, and once you have unlocked every hidden character, you'll want to try them out in more single player modes, once again because multiplayer is hardly an option. Classic mode, however, is not the most suitable testing grounds because, in it, you can't turn the items off, this only being a problem because of the fact that almost every single item in the game just kills you. Blue Shell, The Beetle from Skyward Sword, every Assist Trophy, the Smash Ball, almost every Pokemon, every Bomb-omb, Gooey Bomb, Exploding X bomb thing, every capsule which is ALWAYS a bomb in disguise, and a properly placed bumper all really don't do anything more than just kill you, which believe it or not, reduces the fun of actually becoming good with a character by about 1 fuckton.

So what else is there? There is no online, and classic mode isn't any fun, so what I decided to do was try out a bunch of characters by playing against level 9 CPUs in Smash mode with, of course, the items turned the fuck off. Playing against random CPUs with 3 stock as I attempt to beat the shit out of them with my favorite Nintendo characters of new and old is actually the most fun I get out of the game, but like everything else in it, I am beginning to see how short-lived this is going to be as something about the CPU's tendency to spam both counter-attacks and shield has me convinced that the AI isn't actually very good in the game. In fact, there have been an unacceptable amount of times where I decided that instead of fighting in the fighting game, I thought that it would be more fun to wait in a corner and see how long it would take the CPU to notice that I am preparing to kill it. In the end, the CPU struggled desperately to convince me that my hacking away at it with a sword was something it preferred for me not to do. Instead, the characters against whom I played seemed much more concerned about their health as mostly all they ever did was run around or jump a bit, as opposed to hitting me back, even on the highest difficulty setting.

And so finally, we reach the last selling point of this game, the local multiplayer. Traditionally, local Smash Bros. took place on the living room sofa with 13 of your closest friends and 1 kind of smelly friend who heard you got the newest flavor of Mountain Dew and invited himself over. You'd all gather around the TV for better or for worse and enjoyed the $50 dollar investment made by one friend as you played his game with his controllers on his console in his house. Now, in order for even the most casual collection of players to indulge in the joy of local Smash multiplayer on the 3DS, each participant must own not only the $40 game, but the $200 system. Now I admit, this shouldn't be a problem for children who plan on spending study hall trying to escape from a hard day at middle school with a round or two of Smash Bros, but I am in college, a place where people come to study and learn, not fuck around with video games all day like how I do. I do have a few friends on campus who own the game, but because those who don't play Smash Bros. understand that we no longer need a TV to play, we are often kicked out of common rooms and forced to squeeze 4 dudes into my small bedroom, which I dislike not because of the small size of my room, but because the small size of my bed ill-suited to seat 4 grown men in a fashion that can be described in a manner other than "really gay".

Despite all of my bitching, Smash Bros for 3DS is an excellent entry to the series. In fact, I'd say it's second best with Melee being the first best and Brawl being the worst. There are advantages to having it on a handheld, but I don't really think anyone would argue the fact that the game is supposed to be played on a console with 6 bowls of chips, 14 friends, and 2 girl friends who would prefer to be doing anything besides play video games all night. As an entry in the Smash series, Smash Bros. 3DS is impressive to say the least, but as a game, it just can't be considered as good as people want it to be. The online doesn't work, the single player options are limited unless you are a masochist or a completionist as the collectibles are nearly endless, and the salvageable modes in the game are only fun for a short while due to mediocre AI. If you have the game, I am SO excited to play with you next time we are all home and have the game on us, but if you were one of the more skeptical players who decided to wait and see if this game was going to be executed properly on the 3DS, I declare that you don't have to get it if you don't want to. It's not a "must-play" for the console.

**EDIT** I have friends at home and in other parts of the state who have assured me that my poor experience with the online in this game may be the fault of my school having bad internet service, and not because Nintendo likes online multiplayer as much as I like eating glass. Fine. They are probably right, although I have heard about other players and professional gaming companies complaining about having as much trouble as I had. If your online mode works, ignore what I had to say about my experience, and go play it because it is probably awesome. I, on the other hand, will sit here in my bedroom and whine on the internet like a normal Nintendo fan.

This Bitch Contains Spoilers

I've been playing a whole bunch of Metroid Prime recently. I feel like I am somewhat near the end of the game, but I have hit what seems to be a little bit of a wall- and by "wall", I mean "huge fucking monster with fucking all this shit that he keeps using to fucking kill me over and over." I am currently up to the Omega Pirate fight in Metroid Prime, and it really is such a damn good boss fight. It got me thinking about other memorable bosses I've had to slay in the past 19 years, and I just felt like writing about some of my favorite, or least favorite ones.

Omega Pirate - Metroid Prime

Jesus Christ this boss had been wrecking my shit. Basically what happens is Samus enters a chamber with a giant fucking monster sealed inside. The monster appears to be locked inside a pod, but evidently, the real breakthrough in locking technology didn't come until well after these science experiments were stored away. So, of course, the monster sees Samus and breaks out of her prison with the purpose of becoming Samus' best friend and falling in love with her and making sure no harm ever befalls her for the rest of her days. So Ms. Omega Pirate starts fucking attacking you. She has 4 weak spots encased in ice and they all must be struck in order to weaken her. So you shoot some missiles at her icy limbs while dodging the shock waves emitted from her giant ground-pounding fists of doom BUT these attacks must be timed properly or else they will be absorbed by Omega Pirate. Once her limbs are annihilated, she will send in some of her subordinate bitches to distract you from attacking her while she becomes invisible and attempts to regain her health. If you are able to destroy her minions quickly, you will have enough time to strap on your X-ray visor to see the invisible asshole and shoot her in the chest. You gotta do this like, 4 times to beat her, and it's HARD. FUCK.

Deathborn - F-Zero GX

This was literally a race from hell. Captain Falcon basically gets transported to hell in order to race a guy named Deathborn. If Deathborn wins, he will be able to seize the power of light and darkness for himself and destroy the universe. Because that's how it works. So this track is long, there are so many sharp turns, there are bombs all over the track AND even if you manage to survive all of the crazy shit happening on the track, you still have to navigate that shit faster than Deathborn does. I could barely beat this guy on Easy mode; I can't imagine what it is like on Hard. This is one great game, but sometimes it is so unbelievably difficult, and this boss fight doesn't make it any easier.

Andross - Starfox Adventures

So basically after spending an ENTIRE game on foot, out of your arwing, and with a dinosaur at your side, you fight the final boss of this game, Andross, the SAME EXACT way you fight bosses in Starfox 64. Andross claims to be the one responsible for all of the misfortune that has befallen Dinosaur Planet, but he is NEVER mentioned before this fight, not even a little tiny bit. As soon as he appeared on my TV screen, I just screamed "What the hell!". Andross had NOTHING to do with Starfox Adventures, yet at the end of the game, there he is, waiting yet again to be slayed by Starfox and Falco. OH YEAH. Also Falco makes his first appearance in this game during the last boss fight. Apparently before the events of the game unfolded, he bailed to start his own star-team, but I guess it didn't work out(?)  This boss was in such contrast to the rest of the game that it is literally laughable. It's still fun in my opinion, but it is so sloppily done.

Giga Bowser - Super Smash Bros. Melee

Mwahahahahaha Giga Bowser! Event Match 51, everybody. I remember beating this colossal-sized King Koopa in elementary school. I remember my friend telling me that I had to use Jigglypuff's Rest attack in order to win. It wasn't until many years later did I go on to beat Giga Bowser and friends with Marth, Link, and Luigi, in addition to Jigglypuff, but before those days were simpler times and simpler melees. Now, I play this boss over and over just for fun but I used to really struggle with it. This boss isn't really too hard if you're good at Smash Bros., but it sure is fun.

Ganondorf  - Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess

THIS boss. This may be my favorite boss fight in any video game I've played. Finally, after all these 20 years of Zelda do we get a real 1 on 1 sword fight with Ganondorf himself. I wish playing against this boss for fun was more viable. Tedious smaller boss fights between this final fight and the last time you are able to save the game puts about 20 minutes of playing other shit before I get to fight Ganondorf, but if that wasn't the case, I would play this fight everyday, and I am probably not kidding. You get a small arena in the middle of Hyrule field where you and Ganondorf each draw your swords and take turns swinging away and blocking all of the swift strikes dealt. No gimmicks, no waiting for him to expose his weak spot or become dizzy from doing his spinning-attacking or anything, just a straight-up duel. Of course, there is always the option to distract him by casting your fishing rod! The first item of the game comes back with an easter egg so lethal that you can almost save the world with it alone! But if that is not your style, you just lure him in and attempt to knock him about the arena with your master sword, ending the fight by...! Well you'll just have to play the game to find out.

I Put This Down: Tales of Symphonia

Mkay so as you all know, I acquired about 20-22 new Gamecube games over the summer. God damn. I haven't even opened all of them yet. I had to develop a strategy in order to quickly play and/or beat all of these games so that I could talk about them here. Typically, I would figure out which games were short, and I tried to blast through them, while allowing myself to spend weeks on longer games, such as Metroid or Wind Waker. Among these longer games was, and still is, one REALLY damn long game. With a typical playthrough occupying at least 80 hours of your life, this next title really had me baffled as far as how I was going to go about playing it quickly. Do I play it every day for a month until it's done? Do I allow myself to take 1000000000 years on it while playing other games in between sessions? Well Ill tell you, what wound up happening was me putting this game down. "Ill play it later" I would tell myself. But days, weeks, maybe a month went by before I finally picked this game up again; this is where our story begins.

Tales of Symphonia

Recently, I've been going around saying "Most of Gamecube's best games came from Dreamcast." It's a hyperbole, not a lie. Tales of Symphonia is a JRPG (Japanese Role Playing Game) that came out for the Sega Dreamcast maaaaany many years ago. Despite it's age, it has made a pretty remarkable impression on Gamecube and RPG fans alike. There are many notable qualities this game has. From it's adorable graphics, to it's deep story, this game really kicks ass from beginning until...you put it down. Notice I didn't say "end". It's true- I haven't finished this game yet, but I will. Don't worry. The question today is the same as it always is with I Put This Down:
Why did I put it down?  Why did I pick it up again? What do I think of it now?

Why did I put this game down? Well let's see. I suppose the answer is that I simply didn't have time to play this game. Believe it or not, between my band, school, sleep, friends, working out, getting mad chicks, getting beefy, buying Red Bull, and donating large sums of money to charity, I didn't have a spare 80 hours of my awesome life to designate to this game. It is a shame too because I really do enjoy this game. Tales of Symphonia is the first real RPG I've ever played, so the new gaming experience was very exciting. This game is often praised for it's amazing character development, graphics, fighting style, and soundtrack. The dungeons are fun because the 1 item you have that pertains only to dungeon exploration changes with every dungeon, affectively creating as many different puzzles as there are dungeons. These are all claims that I found too awesome to be true while reading about the game, but it turns out that they are, in fact, true. Those were just a few reasons why the game was all the more difficult to pause. Unfortunately, in the end, the amount of fun the game was to me was not enough to keep me going for more than 20 hours at a time. Ultimately, I put this game down.

 

But then I picked it up again! I think I just missed playing it. The thing about Tales of Symphonia is that the story makes you want to play the game. It's like reading a good book - you may not love reading in general, but what the hell, are you just going to put down the damn book without fucking finishing it? You're already 20 damn hours into it you scumbag! Just finish it and learn what happens. The game is fun to play and the ever-growing story counteracts the sometimes repetitive gameplay. Maybe you find yourself pressing the same buttons over and over, but the reason WHY you're pressing those buttons changes, and so does too your feelings towards the repetition. Considering the game has 80 hours to god damn do it, the character development IS really flawless. You got some dudes betraying you, some people dying, some friends destined to become enemies, some unlikely alliances, all while optional cut scenes take the development one step further by providing you with windows into the personal lives of each of your team members. Is the viewing of these scenes essential for the understand of the story? Not at all, but they are a good example of the steps game designers can take in order to ensure that those who may put this game down pick it up again. As you guys know, this isn't a review, so I can't talk about gameplay that much, but I will say that the fighting is fun as hell, as it takes place in real-time akin to Viewtiful Joe or even Super Smash Bros., and navigating the open hub world is very fun and rewarding. When a developers give you a big map, they want you to get lost. They want you to appreciate what they have created, and I do. I so do, Namco.

So what do I think of it now? I love it. In the end, Tales of Symphonia offers an exceptional gaming experience. Nothing is too challenging, nothing is too annoying. Everything is perfect as far as I am concerned. The idea of playing an 80 hour game is daunting to me, as, like I've said, I've never played an RPG before (I know this isn't even the longest RPG out there, dickhead, so don't yell at me), but I anticipate feeling really good when I beat it. It will be rewarding and I look forward to it. I do feel like I will wind up putting it down in increments of 20 or so hours, but that's fine by me. If spending 80 hours on this game is inevitable, then I might as well enjoy every last second of it. Seashells. Forever.