The Nintendo Wii

Can we discuss the Nintendo Wii for a second? It's an amazing console. No doubt everyone on planet earth knows what the Wii is, but I wonder how many "serious" gamers have realized the true potential in this console.

I bring my Nintendo Wii, as opposed to my Gamecube, Xbox 360, or WiiU, with me to college each semester; it is so clearly my best option for many reasons, and after having spent the last couple of years playing the Wii to death, I can honestly admit that I would seriously recommend this console to any gamer looking for something different or new to play.

It could be that even after all of these years, you still have a Nintendo Wii tucked away in your attic or basement, gone untouched for the better half of the last 10 years. The Wii fell off from about 2008 - 2012, and considering that console generations only last for about 7 years, it's safe to say that the Wii suffered from a somewhat pre-mature death. Or at least that's what you may think.

First off, I'm going to take a moment to declare that there are so many more great games on the Wii then one might think. You have your Mario Galaxy, Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess, Metroid Prime 3, Guitar Hero 3, and Smash Bros. Brawl released within the first couple of years of the Wii's life, then everyone else knows about Mario Galaxy 2, Sonic Colors, and Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword, but I'm here as always to talk about lesser-known games, and let me say, these following titles are legitimately not only a few of my favorite games on the Wii, but a few of my favorite games of all time:

Kirby's Return to Dreamland

Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon

Excitebots

Sin and Punishment Star Successor

Pandora's Tower

The Last Story

Six masterfully crafted, must-have games if you own a Wii. All six are unlike anything I had ever played prior, and each are games unlike anything else offered on the 360 or PS3 during the same generation; I'm not saying these games are better than anything on the other consoles, but they hold up by today's standards and offer an inspired and wonderful gaming experience that has yet to be recreated by any other game I've played.

Right off the bat, six games to buy if you still have your Wii hanging around collecting dust BUT catching up on missed games is not exactly where the Wii earns it's $60 grey-market value.
The real hidden feature on the Wii that makes missing it a critical error in my eyes is the Wii's Virtual Console.

The Virtual Console is a free service offered by Nintendo with which one can use their Wii to download retro games for an extremely low price. I'm not talking only Super Mario Bros. to The Legend of Zelda, I'm talking everything from Mario Bros. to Golden Axe, to Megaman 2, then Legend of Zelda A Link to the Past, to Super Metroid, to Super Castlevania IV, to Secret of Mana, to Mega Man X, to Chrono Trigger on the SNES. After that, you've every must-play on the Nintendo 64.

92 titles from the NES - all $5
63 titles from the SNES - all $8
21 titles from the N64 - all $10
73 titles from the Sega Genesis - all $8
59 titles from TurboGrafx 16 - all $6
54 titles from NeoGeo - all $9
15 titles from the Sega Master System - all $5
and then hundreds of games released for download-only such as Sonic the Hedgehog 4 and Megaman 10

What must be understood about the Virtual Console is that it gives players easy access to the games for which collectors will easily pay $80+ dollars. Take Chrono Trigger for the SNES: Chrono Trigger is considered to be one of the greatest RPGs of all-time. Grey Market Price: ~$90. Virtual Console Price: $8.

Of course, collectors collecting for their retro consoles will never be interested in a digital copy of a game as opposed to a cartridge, but this service is perfect for gamers like me since I'm willing to sacrifice a cartridge if I get to save $82 in return- I'll just use the saved money to fill my car up so I can drive to all of the cool parties I get invited to...

THEN, you have 100% backwards compatibility with the Nintendo Gamecube, provided you got your Wii before 2011, back when all of the cool kids got theirs. No need to discuss how awesome backwards compatibility is, provided you've read literally anything else on this blog (I am quite fond of the Gamecube, if you haven't noticed). What is also noteworthy is the fact that while component cables that upscale video quality from 480i to 480p are impossible to find for the Gamecube, they can be found easily for the Wii. So if you've ever wanted improved video quality for your Gamecube games, get a Wii.

With the Wii (about $50 on eBay at time of writing), you gain access to easily 20 amazing games as well as the rest of the Wii's admittedly mediocre library, all of the Gamecube's library, most of the library of the NES, SNES, and Sega Genesis, a bunch of N64 titles, Netflix, Youtube, and Project M. It's an old console with very few hidden gems, and even a handful of it's first party titles are garbage, but this console has immeasurable value to gamers who, like me, may be looking to update their knowledge of retro games without making their wallets cry or are trying to get through the summer's gaming drought with some great original Wii games that hold up without question.

Gunman Clive

My experience with Gunman Clive started as one of those rare times when I actually purchase a game on a friend's recommendation. Shout out to my friend Andrew for suggesting this one to me. The game's price of $2 on the Nintendo 3DS E-shop was also a large contributor of why I went ahead and bought it. Turns out it was worth all 200 pennies, because Gunman Clive is actually pretty damn great, so let's talk about it.

Gunman Clive - Nintendo 3DS

Intro / Summary
     Gunman Clive is a side-scrolling shooter platformer that combines the best platforming elements from Rayman Origins with the best shooting elements from Mega Man II. You move from the left side of the screen to the right side of the screen shooting anything that is A) alive, and B) isn't you. Complete each level by jumping on platforms, climbing ladders and trying not to die as much as you are totally going to die. There are 20 levels each taking about 75 seconds to complete if you don't die, and something around 3 minutes each if you die as often as I did. All together I beat the game in about 65 minutes on a long car ride my band and I took from Long Island to Washington D.C. last week, and I did continue to play it on a harder difficulty once the game was beaten which believe it or not is something I don't normally do. The fact that I took the time to replay this game immediately after having beaten it means the game was either too short, or the game was really fun to play; I am going with the latter on the grounds that I feel a game can really only be too short if you paid $20+ for it, and beat it in 65 minutes- Once again, this game cost me $2, so I consider myself to have gotten exactly what I paid for, and I was pretty down with it.

Good Things: Also the title of a great Reel Big Fish song
     One of the first things to be noticed about Gunman Clive is the visual style and the musical score; both are beautiful. The game employs a visual effect that makes it appear to have been hand-drawn frame by frame, complimenting the game's ol' western style. Gunman Clive looks like the music video for A-ha's Take On Me meets an old western film. Swag-tastic.
    Gunman Clive prizes itself on the classic easy-to-play, hard-to-master technique. All you are able to do in the game is jump, walk, and shoot, but the level design is so clever that even these old-school moves won't get boring before you finish the game. The game is pretty tough, being at about "diamond" on a hard-scale from Vanilla pudding to Dwayne "the rock" Johnson, but it is never frustrating because of a combination of different video game staples being removed from Gunman Clive. First, there are no lives in the game, which means no Game Overs. Live are outdated and dumb for reasons that have been discussed infinitely by gamers who aren't me, so if you need an explanation on that, go somewhere else and come back. No lives in Gunman Clive. Without any lives, checkpoints aren't really necessary either, because the threat of being thrown back to the start of a 55 second level in which dying has no penalty really isn't that scary, so those are removed as well, which would only be frustrating if the levels were long, but they are not. The game presents a challenge intense enough to make sure that it won't be completed in 20 minutes, but it is not so unfair that it frustrates the player. I believe "sweet-spot" is the proper term here, but I've always found that term to be suggestive (made worse by the pink-colored text), much like how utilization of the word "moist" suddenly begins to make me feel sticky out o....sorry, lost my train of thought there. Difficulty curve is just right.


The game has a very modest length. Games these days (or at least the ones I have been playing) have the most aggravating tendency to last about 6 hours longer than the amount of time for which I care to play them. I always think it is rather cocky of a game to assume that I will refuse to quit playing if it gets boring just because I'm already 10 hours in and I might as well finish it. Well, those games are fucking wrong, and they're the games out of which I take the most pleasure in ripping apart. Gunman Clive, like I said, is only about an hour long if you only play through it once. Honestly, the fact that this game is so good, while being so short makes me fear that the developers lost confidence during development and in the voice of an insecure 13 year old mumbled at some point "aw shucks, no one is gonna wanna play this game!", so they made the game an hour long assuming that no one would ever want to play it for more than an hour any way. Now don't get me wrong, I am glad that the game was only an hour long because it means I have more time to play other games, but honestly, this may be the first time ever where I wish a game was longer, but perhaps only by or hour or so. Also, you can play as a duck after beating the game once. This mode is called "Duck Mode" and it makes me giggle.

Short-Comings: "Homecoming" is a great Green Day song that sounds similar to "Short-Comings".
          Hmm...the game is short...but like...that is a good thing when playing simple games...I mean, Pac-Man is a great game, but does anyone want to play that for more than 20 minutes? I got nothing for short-comings. Gunman Clive is a great game, and it is so short that it ends before fucking anything up. So I am going to use this space to quote something profound I read on Kotaku: "The longer a game is, the more it has to justify its length." OR a different quote by Ben Yahtzee Croshaw of Zero Puntuation: "Madworld is a 6-8 hour game with enough unique ideas to fill a 3 hour game." I isolate these points because they have to do with length, which is a HUGE fucking problem with games nowadays. To all game developers everywhere: If you only have enough good ideas to keep me entertained for 5 hours, then your game should be 5 hours long. BAM. That's all folks. Gunman Clive has enough unique ideas to keep me REALLY satisfied (another sticky phrase) for 1 hour, and so the game is 1 hour long. And for that, Gunman Clive, you get my virtual glad-hand.

                                                                                                 Conclusion:

This game is $2 and is one of the best games I have played in a long time. You can beat it in a single lunch break and get right back to playing Super Smash Bros. afterwards, so just do it. I'm serious. I know I am just a computer, but seriously, buy this game and play it. Recommended to everyone.

Gotta Go Fast

This is review is going to be written in what I think is the ideal format - no numbers, no bullshit.

The other day, I was in Gamestop looking for something cheap that could hold me over until Smash Bros comes out on Friday. I just bought a brand new Limited Edition Smash Bros 3DS XL and I didn't want it to sit there while I tried to amuse myself with some outdated Wii games for the next week so after almost no consideration, and almost completely impulsively, I decided to try out Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed for the 3DS. 

Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed - Nintendo 3DS 

Intro + Summary



Branching paths lead to the same end, but allow access to unlockables.

Although the idea of Sonic the Hedgehog, who can canonically run at the speed of sound, driving a car that tops out at 120 mph was originally offensive to me, turns out that I think Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed is actually a pretty damn good game. I was seriously surprised. This cross-over racing game features 25 of SEGA's most famous or likable (which ever comes first) characters, of whom you might know 7 - this is totally not a bad thing, I'm just pointing it out. As of now, I only have about 12 characters unlocked, and I actually know about 10 of them, but only because I am kind of a video game buff. Anyway, single player features the racing-game-staple Grand Prix, where you race across 4 tracks and earn points based on your performance in each race individually, which get added up at the end with whomever having the most points being the grand wiener. I honestly have only done a couple of Grand Prix races because the game also features a totally separate Career mode. Career mode starts with a single challenge. You select the challenge and difficulty for the challenge. If you complete the challenge, you unlock the next challenge, rinse and repeat. Career mode = beat all of the challenges. I dumbed that down for simplicity's sake, especially since I am going to put a fucking picture right here, which will effectively obsolesce any wordy description, but it's definitely worth noting that each challenge features a different track, and different objective within the challenge. Sometimes you just have to place 1st in a race, other times you have to complete 1 lap within a certain amount of time, etc. Branching paths in the career mode challenge selection screen will allow you access to secondary objectives whose completion will award you with new characters and collectibles. Finally, EXP will be gained by the character you choose before each challenge should you complete it successfully. Every time a character levels-up, you unlock a "Mod Pack" for that character. Mod Packs allow you to select the same character, but apply different set of stats for his/her car. About to race on a track with a lot of turns? Use the handling Mod Pack. 

Good Things

I thought this game was going to be a blatant Mario Kart rip-off. It's not. It IS another mascot, kart-racing game though, a bit redundant in a genre dominated by the famous Italian plumber. However, there are certainly enough distinguishable features in Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed for it to earn a solid A for effort, and maybe even a little bit more. S&ASRT features extremely fun, bright and colorful track designs inspired by SEGA's most famous games of which you probably know more than you think you do, some of them being Sonic the Hedgehog, Monkey Ball, Crazy Taxi, Golden Axe, Nights, Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg, and Skies of Arcadia. The main attraction to this game is that even though each race features 3 laps on a track, the track changes (or transforms) each time you complete a single lap, offering track variety out the ass, and you can bet that same ass that when the track transforms, your vehicle transforms! The word "Transformed" in the game's title refers to the transformations made by your vehicle when racing. Driving on a boardwalk that suddenly gives out? Your car will turn into a boat! And does the river you're now trying to traverse give way to an enormous waterfall? Boat --> Airplane. Not every track uses all 3 forms of vehicle, but when your vehicle does transform, it is totally appropriate, feels good, and is really fucking fun. The Career mode is particularly effective in making me want to play more. I don't always have time for 1 more Grand Prix in Mario Kart, but another 4 minute challenge is seldom an issue with my personal schedule. Items in Sonic Racing are also fun and balanced. If You want to win in this Kart Racing game, you need more skills behind the wheel than you need Red Shells. I can truly say that no item in this game feels copied from Mario Kart (I didn't mean to spend this review comparing this game to Mario Kart, but I KNOW that's what you're doing so I'm just responding to how I know you're responding). The Career mode isn't too long, but earning the maximum amount of stars for each challenge means that you'll have to complete each challenge on HARD mode, as opposed to Easy or Normal, which is not an easy feat. You can only unlock certain characters by obtaining a certain number of stars, so although the Career Mode itself is a bit on the shorter side, obtaining every star to unlock every character will probably satisfy any need to play a medium-lengthed game. Finally, the 3DS's bottom screen is used to display an over-head live racing map. Having it on the bottom screen is nice, obviously because it doesn't obstruct the racing-action. It's also handy because occasionally the "track" during the boat or flying sections can be a tiny bit ambiguous, so having a map when you're threatened to get lost is un-ironically the perfect solution. This is a fucking fun racing game. 

Short-Comings 

Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed on the Nintendo 3DS doesn't suffer from any lag technically, but like, it runs at what feels like 15 frames per second. Keep in mind, this is a straight port of a game that was originally sold for XBOX 360 and PS3, as well as the Wii U. The game performs impressively after knowing that, but ONLY after knowing that. My eyes immediately felt the difference between playing Sonic & All Stars and playing the Smash Bros. demo, but I would be such a bitch if I didn't admit that I totally got used to the frame rate after playing for, like, 2 minutes. You get over it. Also. perhaps 3% of the time, I can't tell what is 10 feet ahead of me in the game, which wouldn't be a problem if we weren't discussing a racing game. Remember though, I said this happens rarely, although when it happens, it totally happens. Graphics are also a bit pixely, but again, nothing a determined gamer wouldn't be able to brush off. This game is also out, like I said, for the 360, PS3, and Wii U. I plan on buying it for the Wii U when I get home from school. I played the demo and the graphics were appropriately gorgeous, and now that I know the rest of the game is awesome, I am confident that the Wii U version will hold up. I am playing this game on the 3DS XL. I cannot imagine this game on the small screen of the standard 3DS, and when I do try to imagine it, I imagine, like, a nightmarish, nebulous, chaotic, vague image of like, 10 guys driving play-dough cars through a guillotine testing factory. Not sure - never played it on the standard 3DS. I could be wrong, but I could be totally right.  

To Whom Would I Recommend This Game?

Of the 2 viable kart racing games out there, Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed is not definitely  the best one, but it could be. Though Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed is hella fun, don't be surprised if you find yourself pondering this game asking yourself "Do I really need to play another Kart Racing game?" if you've already played Mario Kart 7 or 8. I admit though, I haven't played Mario Kart 7 and thanks to this game, I don't think I will anytime soon. I feel like the demand for kart racing games is strongest after not having played one for a long time. If you have played Mario Kart 7 or 8 recently, there is no pressure to play Sonic & All Stars Racing Transformed, but it is still a killer game. 

So to whom would I recommend this game? SEGA fans, die-hard kart racing fans, anyone who needs to play something on the 3DS and has already played all of its first party-titles (barring Mario Kart 7), and anyone who is opposed to playing this on a home console. 

Number 3 Favorite Gamecube Game

Top 3!

Number 5 Favorite Gamecube Game

Half way there, boys. Half way there. 

Playground Series: What the Hell Am I Playing?

I'm sure by now, you guys are sick of hearing me say things that aren't about video games, so fuck me apologizing for not writing in a while. Let's just roll the next review out.

Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg


I've recently acquired about 20 new Gamecube games. So, where do you start playing? I figured I would start up 1 or 2 long games and 1 or 2 short games at a time, and just collect other games to save for later in between. One game that I wound up playing during all of this gaming madness was Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg. I only read a little bit about this game in Gameradar's list of top 50 Gamecube games http://www.gamesradar.com/best-gamecube-games/ before I decided to never think about it again, simply because I could not imagine what I was reading actually being a real game. Well I am here tonight to discuss how I formally withdraw my original opinions of this game, and replace them with a whole new perspective on the concept of hatching eggs.

Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg is an addictively ridiculous platformer developed by SEGA Sonic Team shortly after they released Sonic Adventure 2 in 2003. You play as a young boy named Billy who is thrown into a world ruled by chickens after he displays "great courage" by punching a small bird in the face in order to save his friends. Almost as soon as Billy arrives in Morning Land, he equips himself with a sacred Chicken Suit. This suit allows Billy to arm himself with giant eggs. Without an egg, Billy is pretty worthless, but WITH an egg, Billy is able to jump really high, ground pound the floor around him, ride on tracks meant to move eggs, and take out the evil crows by rolling the egg into them. The eggs, although are fragile, easily broken, and easily replaceable, utilize a basic upgrading system. It's nothing immersive, but it is important to know that when enemies are destroyed, they drop fruit. Roll an egg over the fruit, and the egg will grow. Eggs do more damage with each size-increase and a fully matured egg can be hatched by Mr. Billy Hatcher himself. A quick cock-a-doodle-doo will pop the egg open and potentially reveal 1 item from a large collection of possible egg-inhabitants. Different colored eggs hatch different items. More commonly found eggs can contain extra lives or collectables, but rarer blue or red eggs can contain animal assistants whose powers become yours to command upon hatching them. These animals help you solve puzzles or attack enemies once you befriend them in the ever-classic quest to reach one side of the level to the other.

The story is...well...it's a god damned kids game so who cares? There's an evil crow who wants to cast Morning Land into an eternal nighttime. Stop the evil crow, and do whatever everyone else tells you to do in order to beat the game. But if there is one thing everyone knows about kid's games, it's that they're fucking stupidly difficult. Unfortunately, poor game mechanics are responsible for a lot of the difficulty that this game has to offer, but they are not so plentiful that the game becomes unplayable (*coughSonicTheHedgehog2006cough*). So with any platformer, you really only have to consider a few different elements. Platforming video games date all the way back to 1981 Donkey Kong in the arcades, so when looking at modern platformers, you have to consider the factors that separate the games made today from the games made 30 years ago. You must consider graphics, originality, music (I guess), playability, and most importantly how much fun the game is to play. Well in my opinion Sonic Team spared very little cheese or tomatoes in this egg-wise adventure. Ill discuss each element separately.

Originality. So I don't know if you guys heard when I said it before, but your weapon...is an egg. A giant egg. It is important for those holding magnifying glasses to this game to note that the abilities you gain while holding an egg are not very original, as we have seen the ground pound/ butt bounce/ whatever you want to call it for years, but if rolling an egg into enemies in order to vanquish them isn't creative enough for you, then stop letting Stephen King set your creativity bar too high. You could say that this game is original because you roll an egg around in order to play, or you could say it's unoriginality is disguised by an egg, but either way, someone over at Sonic Team was ballsy enough to suggest that a game whose main attraction was rolling an egg would sell, and it did...at least...to me. Moving on.

Graphics. Let's see, 2003 graphics. Well we got Metroid Prime, F-Zero GX, and The Legend of
Zelda: The Wind Waker. Okay so the bar was set pretty high for graphics even in 2003. The visual importance of video games really became most noticeable upon the arrival of Playstation 2 games during the climax of it's career. Graphical legacies were also continued by Microsoft's Halo and Gears of War series, but if I had a dollar for every time someone mentioned how the graphics in Metroid Prime could rival those of modern games, I wouldn't have to go to college. That being said, graphical feats were not easily attainable in 2003, and unfortunately, it seams that Sonic Team missed the frying pan in this area. However, having average graphics will never mean that the game looks bad. Average graphics are a great canvas for a great art style. Wind Waker is the perfect example. While Billy Hatcher doesn't feature graphics of any impressive quality, it is a delightfully bright and colorful game, complimenting it's playful, light-hearted gameplay, and REALLY catchy music. You're god damn rolling an EGG. Does anyone really need goodgraphics for this?? What was really necessary for this game, were bright colors, and Sonic Team nailed that.

Like I said before, the game feels a little underdeveloped. Perhaps it is Sonic Team tradition to leave dumb mechanics in their games, or maybe it is the fact that Billy Hatcher is run by the same engine that ran Sonic Adventure 2 - a game whose glitches are almost as famous as it's level design, but like I said before, the difficult sequences of BH:GE are the result of a few poorly designed game mechanics. Some enemies are just too annoying, maintaining control while moving with your fragile egg is about 20% harder than it should be, and small mistakes are often extremely unforgiving to the point where you question why you're playing this game even more than you are intended to. The game is still very much playable, as these annoying mechanics are not found in every level, but when they do show up, you will die in your heart a little bit for every time Billy dies as a result of their bullshit.

Overall, Billy Hatcher really is a fun game. The level designs vary greatly from stage to stage, and are always a pleasure to look at. Sometimes the game can be too hard for all of the worst reasons, but in the end, you never really did expect a game that featured weaponized eggs to be 100% solid, did you? This game is 15 dollars on Amazon. Considering the fact that 15 is enough to get Metroid Prime, Resident Evil 4, Viewtiful Joe, SSX 3, Wave Race: Blue Storm, Mario Golf Toadstool Tour, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time or F-Zero GX, I would say that it may not be worth getting immediately, but if you ever run into it at your local Play N Trade like how I did, it may be destiny telling you to either play this title, or grab an omelet.

81/100
-10 Points - occasionally clumsy controls
-5   Points - occasionally dumb stupid mechanics
-4   Points - sometimes the game feels a little boring, as levels tend to be a bit too long, resulting in the witnessing of the same music and visuals for up to 15 minutes at a time
50  Points - originality
10  Points - visual appeal
6    Points - Audio appeal
10  Points - the game is not very long, but the amount of optional levels, in addition to the main story, makes the game feel like it is how long you want it to be
5    Points - the multiplayer is EXACTLY what you want it to be